The Clinton jokes you never got to hear


Untold jokes by former US president Bill Clinton are set to be unearthed in documents released by the National Archives and Presidential Clinton Library.

The documents – which have previously been exempt from disclosure due to the inclusion of presidential appointments and confidential advice – feature jokes Clinton had drafted into speeches but decided not to say when the time came to deliver.

A selection are given below:

Speaking at the 1993 Gridiron Dinner about George Stephanopoulos, Paul Begala and Ross Perot: “Some of my friends in Hollywood have started working on Home Alone 3. But their negotiations broke down with Macaulay Culkin. So, now, they’re asking for George. I figure, why not? With a little make-up he might look old enough for the part.”

“Did you see Ross Perot on T-V last Sunday? …. You’re in a minority. Boy, I never thought I’d say that to this crowd.”

“Ross Perot says Federal employees get all these special privileges… like free rides on the subway. Heck, everyone knows all Federal workers use chauffeured limousines.”

“I’ve got to hand it to Ross, though. A guy with BILLIONS, asking people to send him 15 dollars each. It’s not a bad investment. You get this really neat decoder ring.”

“I know you’ve been hearing that there are some unorthodox goings-on in the Oval Office. You’ve heard… that I let photographer Annie Liebowitz bring in a boom box to play rock and roll full blast.. that an Elvis impersonator came in and sang ‘All Shook Up’… that Paul Begala came this close to showing a room full of people his jockeys. I want to set the record straight. They were boxer shorts, Fruit of the Loom.”

Speaking at the 1993 Radio and TV Correspondents Association Dinner: “Sometimes journalists get too carried away pronouncing judgments … Just listen to what the press is saying about that cult leader in Texas: ‘crazed for attention’ … ‘driven by a messianic complex’ … Don’t you think you guys have been a little tough on Ross Perot?”

Speaking at the 1994 Gridiron Dinner: “For starters, I apologized to Walter Mears for a crack I made last year at one of the media dinners, when I said I could go over the heads of the media because of Larry King. And Walter said: ‘Big deal, Mr. President. We can go over your head to Hillary.'”

Speaking at the 1997 Alfalfa Club Dinner: “It’s an honor to share this dais with so many important political figures: Governor Bush, General Powell, Senator Lott, and Mr. Forbes. I spent Inaugural week surrounded by people who want me to succeed… tonight I’m surrounded by people who want to succeed me.”

Crossed out line: “Which reminds me, I can’t stay too late. I’m starting to get nervous about leaving Al Gore alone at the White House.”

Speaking at the 1997 White House Correspondents Dinner: “As everyone knows, tonight’s program is not what was originally planned. Jon Stewart is here because Rosie O’Donnell cancelled, and I stand before you because Colin Powell couldn’t make it.”

To read more about what’s included in the Clinton records, click here.


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